You are not terrible because the people in your life were. I am not terrible for it either.

My confidence comes from a jaded hopelessness and bitterness. My confidence is a lie wrapped up in well measured suits and beautiful lovers that leave me after a night. My confidence is addicts and fear and a power that I get to choose to wield over people. That power gets me hard and that feeds into everything else.

Humans are not clean creatures. Hoping to be clean when we are not puts us to a standard that we are crafted to not be able to obtain. Your nativity and idealism aren't disgusting but it's not a line of thought I can subscribe to after so many years alone.